Compunction

Well, I have been away for a long time. I have decided to return so that I may wrestle with my own feelings right now. I am the perpetrator of the most egregious offense, one which I shall not reveal based on the public nature of this website. Not that it should matter, as anyone reading this is probably close and would keep good confidence. However, I digress.

I hate myself right now for the sin I have committed. But, worst of all, I have no solace right now. I have strayed so far from God during my life that I turn to Him in these situations, but it feels hollow because I have not bothered to build a real relationship with him. I have become morally repugnant slime, worthy for nothing but to burn in Hell. Of course, the sad realization is that as humans, we all are in that category. However, I have been made acutely aware by the recent events in my life. I thank God for His forgiveness, but need to rededicate my life. I have fallen down a slippery slope with flagrant disregard to the morals and standards I was raised with and uphold cognitively, but not in action. I want to rededicate my life, but I fear that this will only be a passing phase and that I won't dedicate the necessary time to change myself. Can I find restitution and return to my former self, who once delighted in God? Instead, I wallow in my sin here on Earth, scoffing at the truth I understand all too well - that there is more to life than the pleasures of this world. However, I continue to partake. And my actions have produced inequities that have inflicted pain on those I truly care for. Of course, there is no way to prove my loyalty to others when I have spat on their faces and crushed any semblance of closeness that once existed. I can only pray that the Lord on high will forgive me for my sins, and purge me of them. My fervent prayer is that God will place a desire in my heart to grow closer to Him, and begin to rectify these mistakes I have made. Lord, give my life new meaning and help me to live for You. I pray that you will make me good for you again. Help me, as I am helpless to helf myself.



Bury me with a threnody of vindication
A wayward man governed by sinful caprices
Creeping before the throne with trepidation
Knowing the virtues that I left in pieces
With utmost ignominy, lower my head
Prepare it for the guillotine
Palpable compunction turns to dread
As the God I ignored is now seen
The lowest of vermin, the scum of Earth
My sins are unremitting
The values once stockpiled are now a dearth
Yet God is still forgiving
I realize that I am the vilest of men
Who should be eternally condemned to Hell
And yet I am purged of all my sins
Undeserving mercy I know so well