What Society Tells Me

Spurn me, society Spurn me the way i do myself Tell me how abhorrent i am Tell me what’s wrong with my life Tell me how i should be living Oh, God, all i ask for is some truth Somebody tell me I don’t want to hear about a lesser man There is no man lesser than me I don’t want comfort in the fact that i feel guilt My remorse shouldn’t provide solace All i know is I am the vilest of all creatures Why i am allowed to crawl the world, i don’t know Spreading my pandemic End me now, God I’m ready to go But only God knows And so Society will never spurn me

Compunction

Well, I have been away for a long time. I have decided to return so that I may wrestle with my own feelings right now. I am the perpetrator of the most egregious offense, one which I shall not reveal based on the public nature of this website. Not that it should matter, as anyone reading this is probably close and would keep good confidence. However, I digress.

I hate myself right now for the sin I have committed. But, worst of all, I have no solace right now. I have strayed so far from God during my life that I turn to Him in these situations, but it feels hollow because I have not bothered to build a real relationship with him. I have become morally repugnant slime, worthy for nothing but to burn in Hell. Of course, the sad realization is that as humans, we all are in that category. However, I have been made acutely aware by the recent events in my life. I thank God for His forgiveness, but need to rededicate my life. I have fallen down a slippery slope with flagrant disregard to the morals and standards I was raised with and uphold cognitively, but not in action. I want to rededicate my life, but I fear that this will only be a passing phase and that I won't dedicate the necessary time to change myself. Can I find restitution and return to my former self, who once delighted in God? Instead, I wallow in my sin here on Earth, scoffing at the truth I understand all too well - that there is more to life than the pleasures of this world. However, I continue to partake. And my actions have produced inequities that have inflicted pain on those I truly care for. Of course, there is no way to prove my loyalty to others when I have spat on their faces and crushed any semblance of closeness that once existed. I can only pray that the Lord on high will forgive me for my sins, and purge me of them. My fervent prayer is that God will place a desire in my heart to grow closer to Him, and begin to rectify these mistakes I have made. Lord, give my life new meaning and help me to live for You. I pray that you will make me good for you again. Help me, as I am helpless to helf myself.



Bury me with a threnody of vindication
A wayward man governed by sinful caprices
Creeping before the throne with trepidation
Knowing the virtues that I left in pieces
With utmost ignominy, lower my head
Prepare it for the guillotine
Palpable compunction turns to dread
As the God I ignored is now seen
The lowest of vermin, the scum of Earth
My sins are unremitting
The values once stockpiled are now a dearth
Yet God is still forgiving
I realize that I am the vilest of men
Who should be eternally condemned to Hell
And yet I am purged of all my sins
Undeserving mercy I know so well

Going to School

Oh, I’m going to be enlightened
I’ll gobble up knowledge like a cheap double cheeseburger
Expand my cranium
They’ll be vexing on my lexicon
Exclaiming at my braining
Astound at how profound
Oh, how clever I’ll be as I pontificate
But what good is all of it?
When I haven’t actually done a single thing
It’s nice to impress
But better to redress
But really, I digress…

Belligerent Love

I swear you’ll see me, and I await the day
Your megalomaniacal ego impedes the way
But I wait with a chip on my shoulder
My embittered self growing older and older
Go ahead, take your cheap shot
I know I’m all the things you wish I was not
But nobody’s perfect, and least of all you
Say what you want, I can list flaws too
These irrevocable actions lead me into despair
With my nascent realization that you’ll never be there
I can’t help but wear my emotions on my sleeve
But don’t you dare bitch, just shut up and leave
If you’re going to spout your pathetic hypocrisy
Revel in degradation, but please leave me be

Day 'N' Nite

The lonely loner seems to free his mind at nite, at at at nite...


Here I come to my blog, to free my mind just as Kid Cudi's song suggests. So what's on my mind? Lots of stuff. The Achordants concert is over, and I now have time to deal with all my latent thoughts.

I am wrestling just to write this right now. Sure, I have problems with girls right now. And it's definitely on my mind. However, is there even a point in me posting an exposition of my issues? Comparatively, I feel that my problems are so minute and superficial. There are some things bothering me, and it is my blog (which I am not forcing anyone to read), but I still just feel odd writing about it. So, let's grapple with something that doesn't deal with Ben's love life...

Are gay people born gay?

I suppose ultimately this debate is moot. However, it's something that's been on my mind. Being raised in a Presbyterian background, I used to believe there was no way someone could be born gay. But why not? Based on my Presbyterian background, I also learned that everyone was born into sin. I also used to judge gay people earlier in my life, before I really learned to think and be open minded about anything. I just knew that being gay was an abomination and that gay people were going to Hell. This was obviously a long time ago. Now, many of my closest friends here at UNC are gay. I accept them for who they are, and I support them. They are my friends, and their sexuality has no influence on that whatsoever. But, I do believe homosexuality is a sin. It's no different from my own sin, though. Telling a lie or stealing are sins also, and the Bible says that all sins are equal. There is no pedestal to place homosexuality upon, that it is the chief sin that is an arbitrary ticket into Hell. It is something that Christians struggle with, and that seems to be contrary to typical assumptions. However, based on my conversations with several of my friends, I believe you can be born a homosexual. Many of my friends tell me that they have no attraction to girls at all, and they could tell they never did. So why do people dispute the fact that you can be born as a homosexual? I have so much evidence to the contrary. And I do believe that homosexuality is unnatural, it's a perversion of sex. I believe that because the way the body is engineered physically is for men and women to have sex and reproduce. However, I am an adamant believer now that you can be born with homosexual tendencies, even if it is unnatural. I don't know if those two views are irreconcilable, but that is what I have come to in my mind. And while I believe that homosexuality is a sin, as I said before, I believe that everyone sins in some way. So, there is not scarlet letter placed upon homosexuals in my mind. I pray for my friends about it, but they also have my unreserved and unwavering support. I do not judge them for it. I am grateful that God has placed me in so many unique situations to understand different kinds of people throughout my life, with my new relationships in college being the most recent.

Metabolism

Well, tomorrow's election day. In the midst of such a significant political event, I thought I'd blog on something superficial. Well, comparatively superficial. I believe it's pertinent to many people, and pervasive in my own life. But, I'd say it ultimately pales in comparison to the election's significance.

One of the things I've struggled with my whole life is my physical appearance. I'm not comfortable with the way my body looks, and I never have been. It's not like I'm a lazy person and don't ever exercise. I take care of my body, and I play basketball as often as I can. However, I can't change the body type that I have. Whenever I take my shirt off, I'm embarrassed. God gave me a certain metabolism, and that's unchangeable. I can't alter my body to the ideal body image that many of us hold, and that's a hard thing for me to accept. What is the point of writing this? To remind myself that I need to put my faith in God. I do such a terrible job of applying everyday realities to my faith. However, there's no dichotomy between religious and secular things in my life. Everything I do should be influenced by my walk with God, and that's hard for me. Whenever I fret over how my body looks, I am living in the world. I need to let go of my superfluous worries, and just live my life. God made me in a certain way, and why should I question Him? Not that I should be given to complacency, but that I should not waste away worrying over what intrinsic body type I have. It's still hard for me to accept that certain people are blessed with an amazing metabolism, and it may be simply impossible for me to ever attain their state of being. However, that's such a worldly point of view for me to take, as I'm concentrating too much on something that is vain and ultimately insignificant. This is one of my most real struggles in life, and I pray that God may help me to let go of this. I hope that I can find a wife who accepts me for who I am, and that we can both move beyond shallow measurements of beauty. I want to enjoy my wife for the beauty of who she is, and I hope that she returns that sentiment. This may have digressed slightly, but it is all linked to my image of myself. All this to return to the simple idea: I am unhappy with my physical appearance. I hope for peace, that I may realize the utter irrelevance of this in the big picture.


"Sic transit gloria mundi."

Translated from Latin, "Thus passes the glory of the world."



...it is all fleeting and inconsequential in the end.

An ambiguous poem/song

Recluse

fragmented remnants of a broken heart

all that remains from what’s been torn apart

my trust, my hope, my all

the ignominious fall

the fall from warmth, the fall from love

the boy you betrayed

the man that you made

a man acutely aware

of this carnal nightmare

this nightmare known better as life

[chorus]

so goodbye to this battlefield called love

i’m tired of exposing these veneers

all the pain, and all the false promises

i’m finding comfort in my reclusion

my reclusion, the art of seclusion

far better than a false love’s delusion

yet i can’t fight the desire

but must quench the fire

and spurn the romanticized ideals

what’s the difference in winning and losing?

just in playing, the loser’s aren’t choosing

so save yourself now

lucidness is how

discourse slays the visceral lure

[chorus]

so goodbye to this battlefield called love

i’m tired of exposing these veneers

all the pain, and all the false promises

i’m finding comfort in my reclusion