Undergraduate Graduation

Well, I haven't written in my blog for almost 2 years. I just finished up my undergraduate degree at Chapel Hill, however, and I feel I should revisit the blog (especially with my girlfriend's recent blogging activity). I think if I begin to use this regularly again, it will be a good place to sift through my philosophical musings. Writing things down has always been helpful to me in reaching conclusions regarding my own thoughts. It's good for me to organize my thoughts and progress them, even if I don't necessarily reach a conclusion. I should probably do some more thinking regarding the issues of meaning in life, race, homosexuality, and good/bad. I'll try to work through those 4 issues this summer.

OK that's enough of that for now. My undergrad career is over, and I'm starting at Wake Forest in 3 weeks. I've moved in with my brother, which is exciting. It also means I won't have to pay much for rent, which is nice with a $500 monthly stipend. I'm going to start budgeting more carefully, being more responsible, and weighing the effects of my actions. It's time for me to become an adult now that I've graduated. That means I need to be more careful with my money, be a better roommate, eat healthier, keep a regular exercise routine, read regularly, waste less time, and judge long term vs. short term rewards of my actions. Many of my actions are focused on the short term, and I need to think about the repercussions of what I do more carefully. Often instant gratification will lead to long term remorse for me. I hope that I am patient in my relationship with Emily, and we remain together long term. She's a good girl, and I'm grateful for her. Let's see how this whole being an adult thing goes. I hope that I become more responsible, knowledgeable, and mature. I need to focus on becoming a teacher and a valuable member of society.

It's hard for me to focus on this because the Bulls-Heat game is in an hour. I apologize for any redundancies in this post (to whoever stumbles upon this)...I didn't proofread.

Go Bulls!

Environment?

What does it mean to be a "product of your environment?" This is something I gave a lot of thought to this weekend. For this to have become such a popular aphorism is disappointing to me, because it enables the shifting of blame. I don't believe something can be a product of its environment, at least not when discussing humans. I don't mean to contend with this phrase to open up the dialectic of "nature versus nurture," but rather because I find it a huge cop-out to claim anyone can be a product of something. Granted, the environment one is raised in and decides to live in has a great impact on you. However, to claim you are a product is to lose any responsibility or accountability. Rather, I subscribe to the idea that you can be influenced by your environment, but never a product of it, which holds the implication that how you act was dictated by your situation, and not you yourself. I believe you can be "enabled by the environment," an equally pithy and catchy phrase (with more assonance too). What's the important distinction in diction here? A product of the environment is something that became the way it is because of its situation, which is out of its control. Something that is enabled by its environment, however, has the motives for action innately, but may struggle to suppress them because of its environment. This is a more realistic way of looking at people, and it demands higher accountability. I also find it interesting that bad actions are often attributed to being a product of environment, while good actions are human nature. I was a "product" of a good environment, yet I find myself delving into evil actions. By common theory, this is inexplicable. The only truth is that I reflect the depravity of man. Environments do not create us. They only enable us to see the true depths of our evil desires.


Other things on my mind that I will refrain from due to my looming 10 page paper:

-Is a win-win situation really just a lose-lose?

-Shouldn't it be birthdate, not birthday?

What Society Tells Me

Spurn me, society Spurn me the way i do myself Tell me how abhorrent i am Tell me what’s wrong with my life Tell me how i should be living Oh, God, all i ask for is some truth Somebody tell me I don’t want to hear about a lesser man There is no man lesser than me I don’t want comfort in the fact that i feel guilt My remorse shouldn’t provide solace All i know is I am the vilest of all creatures Why i am allowed to crawl the world, i don’t know Spreading my pandemic End me now, God I’m ready to go But only God knows And so Society will never spurn me

Compunction

Well, I have been away for a long time. I have decided to return so that I may wrestle with my own feelings right now. I am the perpetrator of the most egregious offense, one which I shall not reveal based on the public nature of this website. Not that it should matter, as anyone reading this is probably close and would keep good confidence. However, I digress.

I hate myself right now for the sin I have committed. But, worst of all, I have no solace right now. I have strayed so far from God during my life that I turn to Him in these situations, but it feels hollow because I have not bothered to build a real relationship with him. I have become morally repugnant slime, worthy for nothing but to burn in Hell. Of course, the sad realization is that as humans, we all are in that category. However, I have been made acutely aware by the recent events in my life. I thank God for His forgiveness, but need to rededicate my life. I have fallen down a slippery slope with flagrant disregard to the morals and standards I was raised with and uphold cognitively, but not in action. I want to rededicate my life, but I fear that this will only be a passing phase and that I won't dedicate the necessary time to change myself. Can I find restitution and return to my former self, who once delighted in God? Instead, I wallow in my sin here on Earth, scoffing at the truth I understand all too well - that there is more to life than the pleasures of this world. However, I continue to partake. And my actions have produced inequities that have inflicted pain on those I truly care for. Of course, there is no way to prove my loyalty to others when I have spat on their faces and crushed any semblance of closeness that once existed. I can only pray that the Lord on high will forgive me for my sins, and purge me of them. My fervent prayer is that God will place a desire in my heart to grow closer to Him, and begin to rectify these mistakes I have made. Lord, give my life new meaning and help me to live for You. I pray that you will make me good for you again. Help me, as I am helpless to helf myself.



Bury me with a threnody of vindication
A wayward man governed by sinful caprices
Creeping before the throne with trepidation
Knowing the virtues that I left in pieces
With utmost ignominy, lower my head
Prepare it for the guillotine
Palpable compunction turns to dread
As the God I ignored is now seen
The lowest of vermin, the scum of Earth
My sins are unremitting
The values once stockpiled are now a dearth
Yet God is still forgiving
I realize that I am the vilest of men
Who should be eternally condemned to Hell
And yet I am purged of all my sins
Undeserving mercy I know so well

Going to School

Oh, I’m going to be enlightened
I’ll gobble up knowledge like a cheap double cheeseburger
Expand my cranium
They’ll be vexing on my lexicon
Exclaiming at my braining
Astound at how profound
Oh, how clever I’ll be as I pontificate
But what good is all of it?
When I haven’t actually done a single thing
It’s nice to impress
But better to redress
But really, I digress…

Belligerent Love

I swear you’ll see me, and I await the day
Your megalomaniacal ego impedes the way
But I wait with a chip on my shoulder
My embittered self growing older and older
Go ahead, take your cheap shot
I know I’m all the things you wish I was not
But nobody’s perfect, and least of all you
Say what you want, I can list flaws too
These irrevocable actions lead me into despair
With my nascent realization that you’ll never be there
I can’t help but wear my emotions on my sleeve
But don’t you dare bitch, just shut up and leave
If you’re going to spout your pathetic hypocrisy
Revel in degradation, but please leave me be

Day 'N' Nite

The lonely loner seems to free his mind at nite, at at at nite...


Here I come to my blog, to free my mind just as Kid Cudi's song suggests. So what's on my mind? Lots of stuff. The Achordants concert is over, and I now have time to deal with all my latent thoughts.

I am wrestling just to write this right now. Sure, I have problems with girls right now. And it's definitely on my mind. However, is there even a point in me posting an exposition of my issues? Comparatively, I feel that my problems are so minute and superficial. There are some things bothering me, and it is my blog (which I am not forcing anyone to read), but I still just feel odd writing about it. So, let's grapple with something that doesn't deal with Ben's love life...

Are gay people born gay?

I suppose ultimately this debate is moot. However, it's something that's been on my mind. Being raised in a Presbyterian background, I used to believe there was no way someone could be born gay. But why not? Based on my Presbyterian background, I also learned that everyone was born into sin. I also used to judge gay people earlier in my life, before I really learned to think and be open minded about anything. I just knew that being gay was an abomination and that gay people were going to Hell. This was obviously a long time ago. Now, many of my closest friends here at UNC are gay. I accept them for who they are, and I support them. They are my friends, and their sexuality has no influence on that whatsoever. But, I do believe homosexuality is a sin. It's no different from my own sin, though. Telling a lie or stealing are sins also, and the Bible says that all sins are equal. There is no pedestal to place homosexuality upon, that it is the chief sin that is an arbitrary ticket into Hell. It is something that Christians struggle with, and that seems to be contrary to typical assumptions. However, based on my conversations with several of my friends, I believe you can be born a homosexual. Many of my friends tell me that they have no attraction to girls at all, and they could tell they never did. So why do people dispute the fact that you can be born as a homosexual? I have so much evidence to the contrary. And I do believe that homosexuality is unnatural, it's a perversion of sex. I believe that because the way the body is engineered physically is for men and women to have sex and reproduce. However, I am an adamant believer now that you can be born with homosexual tendencies, even if it is unnatural. I don't know if those two views are irreconcilable, but that is what I have come to in my mind. And while I believe that homosexuality is a sin, as I said before, I believe that everyone sins in some way. So, there is not scarlet letter placed upon homosexuals in my mind. I pray for my friends about it, but they also have my unreserved and unwavering support. I do not judge them for it. I am grateful that God has placed me in so many unique situations to understand different kinds of people throughout my life, with my new relationships in college being the most recent.